Emma Adeline’s Birth Story

On August 19th, 2020 I laid awake in my bed with my husband snoring next to me timing my contractions. They were getting closer and closer together but I knew if I woke him up too early he would be too excited to sleep. I was 41 1/2 weeks at the time and he was running out of patience to meet our beautiful girl. At 5:34am I woke him up to tell him my contractions were 6 minutes apart. He leaped out of bed before I could tell him I was going to call my OB to check when I should go into the hospital. I called and they said to eat, shower, and come in since it was a 45 minute drive. I got ready and ate my breakfast as we were so excited to leave and finally meet our little girl. We arrrived at the hospital at 8am and due to covid our families couldn't be with us inside but my mom met us at the door. She hugged me goodbye and prayed for me before I headed in. The OB on call said I wasn't dialated so she said I had 2 options, get induced which is what they wanted or wait a little bit to see if I dilated at all. I asked to wait because I had requested a natural birth with no meds if possible. They rechecked me at around 10:15 and I was 1 1/2 cm. I wanted to go home but they insisted I stay and walk around the ward to see if I would progress anymore. They told they would admit me after my walk. So Kevin and I walked around for 30 minutes and I was so nervously excited I was going to have a baby either that day or the next. I walked into my room at 11:05 to get hooked back up to the machine that checks the babies heart rate. Within seconds nurses and doctors were crowding me saying I needed an emergency csection right away. I was in shock. I asked why and they said her heart rate had dropped to 60. I asked for a second to process and was roughly grabbed by the arm and a nurse said, "do you want your baby to die?!?!?!?!" Everyone was screaming around me while I looked over at my husband in pure panic. He was terrified. I was terrified. They were all telling me my baby wasn't going to make it. They rushed me into a surgery room where Kevin wasn't allowed to come with me. I begged for them to explain to me what was happening. I remember hearing the nurses scream that I wasn't even admitted before they put me out with general anesthesia. If you have had a baby before you know general anesthesia is only used on extreme emergencies because it's not safe for pregnant woman. Emma was born at 11:21. She had meconium back up which is what cause her heart rate to drop. It was in her lungs. They took her to meet my husband while they stitched me up. They then took her away from my husband. We were all separated for a while. The nurse woke me from the anesthesia to a room of doctors and nurses but no baby. Instant pain and heartache came over me. I cried instantly saying where is my baby?! I mean the last thing said to me before I went under was your baby is going to die?! There was about 15 seconds of silence that felt like the longest silence I'd ever experienced. No medical professional respond so Kevin assured me she was fine and he had held her already. I was in agony physically and mentally. I looked down and my "baby bump" and felt so empty I couldn't even remember my own daughter being born. My stomach felt like I got run over by a freight train. It burned. The pain was horrible. The nurse then proceeded to tell me that they had to make a larger incision that most to get her out quick and that I would experience a mass amount of bruising due to having to pull so hard to get her out. Then the moment I'd been waiting for 27 years had arrived they brought my baby in the room. I was so incredibly groggy from the anesthesia still I could barely comprehend what was happening. They threw Emma on my chest while a lactation consultant tried to explain breastfeeding. I was so confused. I stared down at this little baby and felt nothing. I couldn't understand what everyone was trying to tell me and I just couldn't believe how little of connection I felt with my own daughter. I was wheeled into a regular room with Emma. I was in shock still with so many questions swirling around in my head. 'how do I even know this is my baby I was completely out when they pulled her out?!' I just kept thinking I didn't get that special moment where you meet your baby for the first time and you get that first family of 3 picture. I didn't have anyone to advocate for me since Kevin was just as upset. I didn't get that first breastfeeding session as Emma was in shock too so she didn't latch. I felt as if someone had died. I know that's drastic and dramatic but that's how I felt in the moment. I wanted a natural non-medicated relaxing (well as relaxing as birth can be) birth experience. I had a birth plan that the hospital had on file stating no meds, I wanted a birth ball, and had a labor playlist ready to go. I stared at my baby and I didn't know who she was I heard of this happening to other parents but I couldn't imagine that it was me. I remember there was a moment where my husband went to get food and the nurses had left and I was allowed in the room with Emma I just stared at her and cried. I was mourning the birth experience and the first moment of meeting her experience I had dreamed of for many many years. If any of you know me you know that being a mother has been my goal and dream since I was about four years old. So the fact that I hadn't experienced birth the way I wanted was tough for me to swallow. The hours that followed I was strapped to a bed with things on my legs to prevent blood clots I had no help from the nurses as Emma was in her bassinet. I laid there and decided I guess this means I'm a mom now and I have to figure it out. As the night went on I decided there was there was no way I was going to sleep. I laid awake holding her and started to feel a small connection with her as I prayed to God that I felt the same connection I did the entire time I was pregnant. The days that followed in the hospital I was told that I wasn't producing enough breastmilk to feed her. Again I morned yet another experience I had dreamed of ripped out from underneath me. We stayed at the hospital for three days. By the time we left I started to feel a connection with my daughter. If you've never experienced getting birth or labor hearing this would shock you but if you've experienced it you know unfortunately it's the truth. Due to how my daughter came into the world and I didn't meet her the second she made it into the world. I grew very anxious of her being away from me. I had promised the family that they could meet my daughter the moment we came home my anxiety was at an all time high. Letting anyone else hold her made me want to puke. In hindsight now I see that I was experiencing some level of postpartum depression. something I also never thought would happen to me. My anxiety only got worse the older she got due to no sleep she couldn't be away from me and she cried all night long. The newborn stage is hard but recovering from a major surgery on top of taking care of a brand new human was a lot harder than I thought. I would call my mom every morning crying I got no sleep and I was excruciating pain. The road ahead to recovery was tough I was bruised everywhere. I Slowly started to realize that everything I had planned had crumbled so the plan of parenting a newborn that I had imagined should crumble to. I Chose to realize that maybe things had to look different because her birth was different. So I did what worked for our family in the moment every day until things got a little easier. I still have major anxiety when she's away from me and date night hasn't happened yet and she's four months old. I still think her birth should have gone differently but I wouldn't trade my beautiful princess for anything in the world. I love having her in my life more than anything I've ever known. The days may be hard sometimes due to her having separation anxiety and me having separation anxiety but I enjoy every minute because I prayed for this little girl for a very long time. I remind myself that she is our first and that I will work that much harder to have a better experience with our future children. God is good all the time even in the hard times I'm super thankfulI had a beautiful pregnancy and I loved every minute of it it was just the birth experience that still stings. I also want to say if you are experiencing postpartum depression please don't feel like you are weak if you tell someone. You have to speak up because you need to be the best mom you can be for your child. So if you are scared to tell anyone make sure it's someone you trust and your doctor to find out what's the best thing for you and your family. You are the mom to that baby and God has given you the gift of being their mother. I know this wasn't what everyone expected my first blog post to be but I wanted to be real. No smoke and mirrors no lying just the truth. They all won't be this way but I couldn't lie about my first experience giving birth. I hope I haven't scared you away but I also know that many other women have had similar experiences and I want them to know they're not alone. Being a mama is hard but it is the most rewarding job in the world. My life is the best life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you Emma Adaline more than words can say💜