Blissful Panic

No one really talks about what can only be described as the blissful panic. You’re lying in bed having a thousand thoughts running through your head so you get up to check if your newborn is breathing for the 12th time in an hour. You fiddle with the cover to make sure you completely covered while nursing your baby in the back row of target parking lot because you just needed out of the house. You come running out of the bathroom cus you hear you baby crying and think they fell out of the perfectly safe bassinet you laid them in. Just to find they weren’t even crying. You imagine worst case scenario every time you go in public with your baby or you won’t even leave the house or let anyone visit due to fear of illness for your baby. You read every article you can find on webmd about the noise your little just made because it sounded weird. You hide in the back while nursing your baby out of fear someone will judge you for breastfeeding in public. You hide the formula you use in the back of the cabinet because you’re having visitors and you don’t want them to know your bottle feeding instead of breastfeeding. You can’t bare the thought of someone else watching your baby even for one second where you can’t see them because you might have a mental breakdown. You cry every morning you have to go to work and leave your 3 month old with someone else because your husband says you have to help pay the stack of bills on the table. Your heart skips a beat when a random stranger tries to see the baby you purposing wrapped close to your chest so no one would touch or breath on them. You can’t possibly go to church this week because that means you’d have to put your baby in the nursery and you can’t monitor who’s playing with or changing your baby. You triple check the car seat is buckled right before even turning on the car. You check the rear view mirror every 5 seconds to make sure they are still sleeping and didn’t pull something over their face. You obsess over your milk supply and how much your baby is eating per feeding. You call your pediatrician every other day with a new question. You have your mom or sister on speed dial because you don’t know if what the baby just did is normal. Your heart races every time someone else is holding your baby. You check google to make sure they are hitting every milestone because you don’t want to hear anymore comments from your family members. Your voice shakes as you say “I’m fine” to everyone who asked how you are doing because you couldn’t possibly tell them the truth. You don’t speak up when your family member tells you that your easing your kids all wrong. You feel resentful towards your husband because he can sleep at night while you get up with the baby. Your mind is constantly telling you lies that you aren’t good enough. You wish everyone would stop giving you unasked for advice because you can bare to hear one more thing you’ve done wrong. You are constantly combating intrusive thoughts. You can’t ask your husband or anyone else for help with the baby because they won’t do it your way.

Postpartum anxiety is not for the faint of heart. It does not discriminate. It can hit you out of no where. It can surface anytime the first year of your baby’s life. It can also last for years. It can make you feel stuck, debilitating fear, and lost. If you’ve experienced it you never forget the feeling. It makes you think you are the only one in the world that feels the way you do.

You are the best mama for your baby. God chose you to be their mother. You are not alone. I know it can be scary trying to find someone you trust to explain how you feel. Explain the pain behind the smile. The guilt of loving your baby so much but still having these feelings. The fear they will judge you. The fear they will call you crazy. The fear your husband won’t understand. the fear no one will understand! The feeling of being so isolated you could scream and no one would hear you.

I hear you mama. I hear you. I feel your hurt. You are not alone mama. Reach out. Get the help you need or the friend that’s willing to listen. No judgement here. This is a safe place to say how you feel and think.

Motherhood is hard we don’t have to do it alone. Be that mom that builds up other moms not tears them down. Check in on the new moms, the SAHM, the working moms, and all the moms in between. We are all just trying to do our best. Tell a mom your a safe place to talk. You don’t know how much she might need it.

Victory

This song is so special to me.

I had it included in my home birth playlist when I had Aria.

Before I had Emma I listened to it every time fear creeped in my thoughts that I would never carry my own own child. FALSE. Doctors only know so much. Don’t get me wrong any child through adoption, surrogacy, or step child is 100% your child no difference at all!

I remember specifically standing in church praying over my womb 2 months before we found out about our sweet Emma. I knew God would do amazing things with our babies. I knew my husband would be a wonderful father and we would love our babies fiercely.
After having Emma in such a traumatic birth experience and having a new baby to take care of the transition was definitely not simple. It was messy by but our sweet Emma made it beautiful because I waited so long for her. Prayed so long for her. Couldn’t imagine life without her. My postpartum journey after Emma was far from ideal and I remember standing in church again singing this song knowing He would carry me through that battle.

A few months after having Emma we found out we expecting another little miracle. I remember being shocked and scared them being so close together but I knew God would carry us through. After 6 weeks of carrying our little miracle she went to be with Lord. It broke me. In every sense of the word I was overjoyed to have Emma but the pain was unbearable losing our second little miracle who we later named Lola. That event and the other events that followed that day shaped me. I went to church those following weeks broken and in so much pain. How could all the events being happening? Why were they happening? Lord how are you going to bring me and my family through this. Then I closed my eyes and this song began playing through the speakers and our amazing worship leader began singing “there will be breakthrough...” “oh might God you are...” I knew He would carry us through AGAIN! It was not a far from a simple or over night breakthrough and its still a daily battle but I knew He would take care of us.

Fast forward a few months later we found out we were pregnant again with our rainbow baby Aria. I played this song starring at the pregnancy test. Rainbow after the storm. Kevin and I agreed this pregnancy was different we weren’t leaving anything to chance. We were going to bring our baby girl into the world different no emergency, no being separated for hours, no masks, and nothing but love, peace, and God surrounding us. We met with 2 midwives and we chose 1 for our home birth. I made my playlist and the first song I knew I wanted was this one. It played many times during the course of the pregnancy and every time I knew it was God sharing with us the victory we were going to have.
In the midst of labor with Aria I had one moment of doubt in myself and then this song came on... She was born 3 songs later. Sweet victory not only in a VBAC (natural birth after csection) but at home!!! That was my victory.

If you are waiting for your breakthrough its coming. It may not look exactly how you picture it, it may take going through mountains of pain or crap to get there, it may take years but don’t lose hope its coming!

https://youtu.be/yhyVW6sbZeA

I see you Mama

I see you Mama.

 

This is for the mama to be scared of the unknown, the brand new mama learning her way the first few weeks after her first baby was born, the mama of babies under 2 or 3, the mama being the Uber driver to older kids in multiple sports and activities, the mama of the senior in high school scared of losing her baby, the mama navigating life with all her babies at college, and the mama of adult children.

 

This for the new mom, adoptive mom, to the birth mom, to the single mom, to the step mom, to the foster mom, to the mom to be, the surrogate mom, to the mom of angel babies, to the dad who has to be both mom and dad, to the working mom, to the stay at home, to the aunt; older sister; grandma; or close family friend who stepped up in that mom role, and any mama I may have missed.

 

I see you.

 

I see you fighting everyday, every minute, every second to keep your household and family running. 

I see you doing everything without being noticed or thanked. 

I see you silently praying for your husband and babies everyday.

I see you doing the dishes again.

I see you folding the laundry while your baby unfolds it one second later.

I see you putting your hair in a messy bun with dry shampoo for the 4th day in a row.

I see you driving your kiddos to the 3rd practice of the day.

I see you going into another meeting at work praying the school doesn’t call you again about your kiddo.

I see you getting up in the middle of the night feeding your baby for the 6th time in 3 hours.

I see you calling your older child reminding him to drive safe after just getting his license.

I see you making your to-do list in your head to have your baby need you to just hold her all day.

I see you running lunch up to school because your child forgot to grab it after you reminded them 3 times before they got on the bus.

I see you changing your shirt for work which makes you late cus you got spit up on again.

I see you packing your pump again to pump at work even though your boss gives you a hard time every time you do just to feed your baby.

I see you going without to make sure your children have the best.

I see you putting on a smile when all you want to do is fall apart.

I see you staying up later to spend time with your husband listening to him talk about his day when all you want to do is close your eyes.

I see you laughing it off when that coworker makes a rude joke about you having to call off again to take care of your sick child.

I see you crying all the way to work because you hate taking your baby to daycare but you can't afford to not go to work.

I see you sacrificing your Friday night so your husband can have a boys night even though you're hanging on by a thread.

I see you taking time to make a Pinterest worthy project with your kids just for them to complain about it the whole time.

I see you hiding in your pantry to eat a snack ALONE.

I see you being the referee between your husband and your family having a heated debate again just wanting peace.

I see you staying up all night listening to your husband snore with a sick child. 

I see you praying your child at college will call today so you know they are ok.

I see you wanting to jump in and help with your grandkids but not wanting to step on your Children's parenting toes.

I see you begging your husband to stay with the kids so you can go to Target by yourself.

I see you choosing between feeding your babies or feeding yourself.

I see you researching late at night to find the best of everything for your kids.

I see you meal planning because sports schedules have taken over your entire weeks so Sunday is meal prep day.

I see you taking on 3 side hustles just to give them the extras you always wanted as a kid.

I see you “being the bad guy” and setting boundaries for your teen even though you know they are just gonna fight you tooth and nail about it.

I see you buying your kids new back to school clothes and school dance outfits when you haven’t bought new clothes for yourself in 5 plus years.

I see you keeping your cool when your step child screams your not my mom again.

I see you sacrificing your body, your time, and your energy for your babies.

I see you watching Moana for the 12th time this week.

I see you wearing earplugs because your teen has her music on again and you can’t hear that song 1 more time.

I see you staying up with your daughter while she cries cus her first bf broke up with her.

I see you smiling when all you want to do is crying because your toddler had 3 meltdowns that morning.

I see you fighting the tears when the bills come in the mail and you don’t know where the moneys gonna come from.

I see you making dinner at home even though you want to order pizza and sit down on the couch.

I see you reading the tractor book for the 6th time to get your little to sit still and go to bed.

I see you being silly and singing goofy songs in the supermarket to keep your kiddos entertained and not having major meltdowns.

I see you playing soccer outside with your son again cus he’s got a game this week and you have to work.

I see you getting up at 5am to get all the kids ready and fed to get on the bus.

I see you staying up until midnight cus its your teens curfew and you are terrified they won't come home.

I see you staring at your newborn while they sleep making sure they are still breathing.

 

I see you mama. You are important mama. What you do changes the world mama. The world tries to tell you that we don’t BUT we do! We raise the next generation. We raise the next president, doctors, nurses, Entrepreuners, mothers, fathers, small business owners, architects, inventors, and everything else in this world. 

Whether you breastfeed, bottle feed, homeschool, send to public school, work, or stay home you matter. You know what’s best foryour babies and family. You have those mom gut feelings for a reason. If you are staying up at night worrying about how you aren’t doing enough or feel you aren’t enough for your babies let me tell you that’s what makes you a good mom! You care enough to ask yourself these questions! Tell that mom guilt to hit the road mama! Nobody is perfect and its good for our kids to see that. They need to know life isn’t always simple but its how you handle it that matters. So the next time you feel like no one sees you or you aren’t enough remember you are not alone there is hundreds of thousands of other mamas going through the same things AND what you do matters. I see you mama.